Heh, heh. :)

1. Two peanuts were walking down the road.
   One was assaulted.
   

2. Why did the monkey fall of the tree?
   Because it was dead.
   Why did the squirrel fall of the tree?
   Because it was stapled to the monkey.
   

3. Why did the piece of gum cross the road?
   It was stuck to the chicken's foot.
   

4. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He takes a seat and the bartender asks, "Did you know that you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replied, "Arrrrrrgh, it's drivin' me nuts.”
   

5. Bill was riding a bike and he fell off, why? He was a fish.
   

6. So... Two muffins were in an oven. The first muffin goes, "OH MY GOD! We're in an oven!” The second one turns and yells "HOLY SH**! A talking muffin!"
   

7. If you had a friend named Jack, and you two went horse-back riding, would you help jack off the horse?
   

8. Two blondes decide to meet up at a mall for lunch.
   The first one gets there, and waits 2 hours for the other one.
   Two hours later, the second blonde gets there.
   "Oh my god, I'm so sorry I was late!" She says.
   "The escalator I took broke down, and they took so long to fix it. I stood there waiting for them for 2 hours!"
   "YOU DUMBASS!" The first blonde yells, "You could have SAT and waited!"
   

9. Two blondes walk into a bar, yes a real bar where you drink. They look really happy so the bartender asks them, "What are you guys celebrating?"
   They say, "We finished a 50 piece puzzle in 3 days!"
   Bartender says, "So...?"
   They say, "The box said 8-10 years!"
   

10. Why did the girl fall off her bike? Because her mom threw a refrigerator at her.
    

11. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    

12. So Hitler walks into a bar.
    Bartender: I thought you were dead.
    Hitler: Nope I have just been planning on what to do for WW3
    Bartender: What’s that?"
    Hitler: Throw 2 million Jews and 2 clowns into an oven
    Bartender: why the 2 clowns?"
    Hitler: SEE, no one cares about the Jews.
    

13. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
    

14. Why did Spider-man retire from Tennis?
    He got hit in the face.
    

15. A camel was walking through a desert, looking for cactus water. Suddenly, it fell down. Why?
    Because it tripped on a rock.
    

Scientists fed a fly a microscopic homing chip, after 93 years, it died. Why?
Because the camel stepped on it.

16. Peter Pan, a dumb blond and a smart blond walks on the street. Suddenly they see 100 bucks lying on the street. Guess who got it first?
    The dumb blond... Because Peter Pan and the smart blond don’t exist.
    

17. What did the cactus say to the other cactus? Nothing.
    

18. What do you do when a blond throws a grenade at you?
    Pull the pin and throw it back!
    

19. 3 robbers were on the run, a red-head, brunette, and a blonde
    they hide in a farm, the red-head with the cows, brunette the chickens, and the blonde a sack of potatoes.
    3 cops go in the same farm, a red-head, brunette, and a blonde.
    The red-head heads towards the cows but just hears "moooo"... he says, "Oh just a bunch of cows."
    The brunette heads towards the chickens but just hears "cluck"... he says "Oh just a bunch of chickens."
    The blond heads towards the potato sack, he hears "POTATO!"... He says "Oh just a sack of potatoes."
    

20. How many babies does it take to paint a room?
    Depends on how hard you throw them.
    

21. There’s a camel and an elephant and here's how the conversation goes:
    Elephant: “Hey! How's life with two bewbs on your back?"
    Camel: "Says the guy with a pen0r on his face."
    

22. Ok a guy walks into a bar right? And he says oww.
    

23. An army general was telling his platoon what to do if they ever run out of ammunition.
    
    "The trick is to just stand up, point your finger at the enemy and loudly shout bang, they will think they've been shot by a bullet and they will have a heart attack and die."
    
    So the next day, the platoon is sent out on the field.
    
    One of the soldiers returns, with a leg missing, one of his arms was crushed and many broken ribs.
    
    "What happened to you soldier?" demanded the general.
    
    "I ran out of ammo, and did what you told us to do, so I stood up and pointed my finger at the enemy, and shouted out "BANG BANG BANG", but they didn't buy it. Next thing I saw was one of the enemy standing up pointing his finger, yelling out "Tank tank tank!"

24. Two druggies sit in a car with closed windows. One turns and says to the other, "Hey it's getting pretty hot in here, huh?" Then the other one says, "Oh my God! A talking muffin!" (From no.6)